NOVEMBER 17, 2013 1:28 PM COMMENTS OFF
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For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were
those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were
shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of
their lives. People grow a lot when they are faced with their own
mortality.
I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for
growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of
emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and
eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed
though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they
would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are
the most common five:
1. I wish I’d had the
courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize
that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is
easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their
dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or
not made.
It is very important to try and
honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment
that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very
few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn’t
work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed.
They missed
their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women
also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many
of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I
nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on
the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying
your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is
possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by
creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new
opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I’d had the
courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their
feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for
a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming.
Many developed illnesses relating to the
bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions
of others. However, although people may initially react when you change
the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the
relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases
the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed
in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly
realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and
it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they
had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were
many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort
that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are
dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let
friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the
physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their
financial affairs in order if possible. But it
is not money or status that holds the true importance for them.
They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love.
Usually though, they are too ill and weary to
ever manage this task. It is all comes down
to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in
the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had
let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise
until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in
old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed
into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to
their selves, that they were content. When
deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their
life again. When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a
long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and
smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR
life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.
