14 Principles For Finding A Godly Wife Or Husband

I see many Christians destroying themselves in the effort to find a husband or a wife. They wear revealing clothes, hang around nightclubs and feel ashamed in church on Sunday. Pain and desperation are driving them to clumsily adopt the ways of the world in finding a life partner. It can only lead to heartache and disappointment. For most of my adult life I have been single. I know that you CAN be happy and single and that it is possible to joyfully WAIT . Marrying a non-Christian is not a godly option. I won't be discussing that here as I have written a separate article on it. This article covers 14 principles for finding a godly Christian partner in this rather lonely world.

1. Work on making yourself the sort of person that a godly Christian would LIKE to marry. Be kind, reliable, courteous and attractive. Have your life disciplined and godly and in reasonably good order. Be full of love. 
   
   
2. Have something interesting about you and work on it. You need to stand out from the crowd a little. Get interested in missions, help the poor, do something different that is still you. 
   
   
3. Be godly yourself. Have a daily quiet time where you read the Bible and pray and start putting Scripture into practice in your life. Go to church regularly to worship God and switch off your "partner searching periscope" when you go there. In fact switch it off as often as you can. There is something very unattractive about people who are obviously looking for a partner. Godly people want a godly partner. 
   
   
4. Make a success of your career. It will cultivate good qualities in you such as forward thinking, planning, diligence, and hard work and it will increase your self-esteem so that you don't feel as devastated by being single. It will also increase your confidence and attractiveness. Godly Christians tend to like people who do their best. Jesus had an obvious soft spot for stewards who did their work diligently and well and makes them the heroes of many of his parables. 
   
   
5. Make a list of the qualities you really want in a partner and bring this list to God in prayer. Make it quite specific. Use it as a "filter" to prevent you going out with people that are completely wrong. When you make the list remember the golden rule "do unto others as you would want them to do unto you". Would you want your future partner to be drawing up a list like yours? Would you have any chance of getting selected if they did? Is your list too unreal? Make sure that an "average person" - the sort you are likely to marry, is able to fulfill it. 
   
   
6. Take their weaknesses seriously. If a person is a Christian but has a problem with drugs or alcohol or promiscuity then be very careful. If they are constantly in financial trouble or always quitting their jobs you may be marrying misery. Things like eating disorders, very low self-esteem, high levels of hostility, and the need to control people can wreak havoc in a marriage. If they are believers then God is working in their lives and there is hope but some believers are not yet ready for responsibility. Some may be "barely believers" and not really committed to long term change. I am not saying don't marry them, I am saying think very, very long and hard before you do. Give them time to grow and to prove themselves before you tie the knot. 
   
   
7. Marry someone you can pray with. Couples that pray together stay together and that's a proven fact. The Christian marriages that fail (including mine) have one partner that avoids having daily devotionals together. Prayer really builds deep intimacy into a marriage. 
   
   
8. Learn to recognize predators. There are quite a number of people who hang around churches to pick up a "Christian partner" and who can fake being a Christian with considerable skill. They generally have no intention of being godly and little intention of marriage. They are generally after unprotected sex with someone innocent and free of disease. Sorry to be that blunt in a Christian magazine but you need to know the truth. Predators are often betrayed by their lack of true feeling for Christian things and their lack of insight into Scripture. Greed, not tithing, and minor ethical breaches are other good clues. Listen to God's promptings and your intuition. The Holy Spirit will scream "No" at you pretty early on. When God says "No" stop right then and there! 
   
   
9. Move steadily and wisely towards commitment and put aside undue suspicion, hostility and distrust of the opposite gender. As a rough rule of thumb people end up living up to your projections of their behavior. If you distrust people and are sure they will not stay with you but are "just using you" then they will flee! No-one will stay in a relationship with a person who distrusts them. However if you treat your partner well and trust , love, and enjoy them and delight in who they are and expect good things of them then they will enjoy your love so much that they will not think of doing anything else except marrying you! Positive people tend to get positive results and negative people tend to get negative results - so deal with your fears. 
   
   
10. Don't be paranoid about members of the opposite sex. In conservative Christian circles there is almost an assumption that you only talk to members of the opposite sex that you are interested in marrying! That is so destructive! Build many ordinary good friendships and confuse your church thoroughly! It takes the pressure off any emerging relationships and also gives you a better understanding of women/men as the case may be. 
    
    
11. Get good Christian counseling if you have had traumatic experiences that may be hindering your ability to relate to members of the opposite sex. I can recommendTheophostic Counseling and there is an article on it elsewhere in the magazine. 
    
    
12. If you really like someone and they are a good Christian then go for it! I spent a lot of time thinking "so and so is too good for me" and holding back and thus losing out. Being strong and courageous has many advantages and seems to get God's blessing. 
    
    
13. Many good Christian marriages have developed when a friend introduces two people together and they click. While some friends playing Cupid with your life can be a pain if you have a few really good friends that you trust ask them to keep a lookout for you and to pray for the right person to come along. 
    
    
14. Ask God's blessing on your efforts and develop the ability to listen to Him. God has a long history of putting some first class romances together. Let Him order your days and they will be pleasant. He really does care!

This article may be freely reproduced for non-profit ministry purposes but may not be sold in any way. For permission to use articles in your ministry, e-mail the editor, John Edmiston at johned@aibi.ph.

http://www.aibi.ph/articles/findwife.htm

Waiting for a Wife

Genesis 6:1-3, Ezra 10-11

Paul J. Bucknell
_________________________

Waiting Upon the Lord, Waiting Upon the Lord, Waiting Upon the Lord | Waiting & Planning | Steps to Waiting |Fail to Waiting
Biblical Perspective on Waiting| Waiting for Ministry |Waiting for Revenge
Waiting for a Wife | Trusting through Treachery | Waiting for Christ's Return
Study Questions | Testimonies on Waiting Upon the Lord | Godly Man Index

Waiting Upon the Lord,

Purpose

Biblical Perspective of Finding a Spouse is found here as we discuss 'Waiting for a Wife' from studies on both Genesis 6 and Ezra 10-11. What kind of wife should men look for? Also a word to single women. Included is a chart, "What kind of wife am I looking for?"

Enjoy life with the woman
whom you love all the days of your fleeting life
which He has given to you under the sun;
for this is your reward in life ...
(Ecclesiastes 9.9)

Waiting Upon the Lord,

The Biblical Perspective of Finding a Spouse

Waiting Upon the Lord,
• The Selection Process (Genesis 6:1-3)
  
• Intermingling Unto Death (Ezra 10-11)
  
• What kind of wife am I looking for?
  
• Waiting Upon the Lord, A Quick Word to Single Women
  
  There is no doubt that waiting on God for the right wife is crucial to living a godly and good life.
  

There are many women out there. Many are attractive. A good many are talented. Some are rich. These traits are trivial to our most basic question. Will we wait for God's woman for us? We will see in our following discussion that once discretion is lost in choosing marriage partners, then the whole society quickly deteriorates. Whenever the selection process of spouses is minimized, then the society reaps the consequences. It heads full steam into a world of sensuality.

One Crucial Question

Several scriptures highlight the problems that occur when a man recklessly chooses a woman as a wife. When a man is quick in making a decision after his desires, then he shows that his understanding of marriage is shallow. He is not thinking of preserving or establishing some heritage but fulfilling his desires. The godly man must wait upon God for the wife God has for him. The opposite of this occurred in two different passages that we will now look at. Let us first look at Genesis 6.

The Selection Process (Genesis 6:1-3)

Now it came about, when men began to multiply on the face of the land, and daughters were born to them, that the sons of God saw that the daughters of men were beautiful; and they took wives for themselves, whomever they chose. Then the LORD said, "My Spirit shall not strive with man forever, because he also is flesh; nevertheless his days shall be one hundred and twenty years." (Genesis 6:1-3, NASB).

Their decisions for choosing their wives were faulty for several reasons.

• The sons of God were markedly different than the sons of man.
  Up to this point there was a special distinction between the men who sought after God and the ones who had forgotten God. They were known more by their commitment to God than their father. This tension to preserve our godliness is the very same tension we face in our secular world today. These men should have paid more attention to their heritage and preserved their distinct vision. Without a vision of godliness, they got lost in other things which they saw.
  
  
• These God men "saw that the daughters of men were beautiful."
  

They were not careful enough to govern what they saw. Some might think this is unstoppable but it isn't. If we are going along fine and then just start gazing at the women that cross our paths, whether in a magazine or on the street, we are in extreme danger. We will start comparing them and being subtly enticed by these women.

The only way that we are able to compare is to notice their different parts and gauge what pleases our eyes. Once we notice their beauty, we deliberate on it, and our minds are influenced. This is the reason we can not look at any pornography or any programs that entice us to pay attention to women's physical features. Remember that these women are paid a lot of money because they do entice!

Once beauty became their focal point, then this is what their decisions of life were made upon. They lost the ability to reason and reflect. The flesh seized control, and they never got it back. They lost it all.

"They took wives for themselves."

Let us assume here that each man just took one wife, but I doubt it. Notice here once beauty became their focal point, then this is what their decisions of life were made upon. They lost the ability to reason and reflect. The flesh seized control, and they never got it back. By the way, we are not saying that a beautiful wife is bad! Sarah was beautiful.

The issue is that beauty controlled them. The way she talked, looked, walked, simply enticed his attention. Reason and God's guidance took a far second place to the woman's beauty. Women became too compelling for him to think otherwise.

They became indiscriminate in their choices.

"Whomever they chose." This is a clear statement that the men of God took wives that did not share similar perspectives. Genesis goes on describing the headlong fall of the society after this point. Not much dirt is needed to make the clean dirty. This is true with holiness too. It stands as the highest priority to train our sons and daughters to spiritually judge things rather than physically or emotionally 'feel' things.

The LORD responded to this right away.

He did not have to wait for a generation to prove His thesis. Once the godly seed is lost among the ungodly, then there is no godly seed left. God had no choice but to shorten life expectancy in order to preserve man, otherwise the ungodliness would soon destroy the world.

A godly person must marry a godly person. Balaam's big payload came about because of insight into this very principle. Godliness must be protected. A church must carry on discipline. A family must have rules. A government must have laws to preserve itself. If what distinguishes God's people is lost even for just one generation, then it is gone.

Intermingling Unto Death (Ezra 9-10)
(Marrying a Non-Christian)

Ezra's response in chapters 9-10 all too clearly confirms the absolute finality of deadly compromise. There is no way to get it back. Once the seed of godliness is lost, it cannot be recovered. Whatever has been lost must be judged. Ezra heard it like this.

"Now when these things had been completed, the princes approached me, saying, "The people of Israel and the priests and the Levites have not separated themselves from the peoples of the lands, according to their abominations, those of the Canaanites, the Hittites, the Perizzites, the Jebusites, the Ammonites, the Moabites, the Egyptians, and the Amorites. "For they have taken some of their daughters as wives for themselves and for their sons, so that the holy race has intermingled with the peoples of the lands;indeed, the hands of the princes and the rulers have been foremost in this unfaithfulness." (Ezra 9:1-2).

All of God's marvelous works of bringing His people back into the land was going to be made irrelevant if the people started to intermarry the people in the land. The leaders were accelerating this process by setting the terrible example. In 10:1 they said it might not be too late if they actually put these ungodly wives away along with their children. There was no "Let's convert them" campaign. Worship is influenced by heart love. They could not just say, "No more." They would all perish within a generation if they did not cut off this intermingling. Fortunately, they followed through with this.

The scriptures say a lot about who we marry. It is not a trivial matter. Below are some other suggestions in finding the right wife.

What kind of wife am I looking for? A man must think concretely, "Is this the woman I want to sacrificially devote myself to all my life?" He should not marry a woman unless he is willing to bind himself to her. Once married, then he must remain dedicated to loving her no matter how bad she is. Here is a list to help us avoid getting married to the wrong woman. The right block amplifies the thought on the left.
# Only marry a woman if your parents approve.	# Parents' decision is scriptural dictate.
# Learn to love the qualities that God loves.	# You will choose what you like.
# Get out of any pornography and lust.	# Porno makes the physical compelling.
# Stop watching the standard movies and programs.	# Need to stop being trained by the wrong thing.
# Pray regularly for God's provision.	# God's pick is more important than your own.
# Pay attention to character quality rather than beauty.	# Her character shapes the quality of relationship.
# Observe the way she responds (attitude) to her parents, especially her father.	# Her relationship with her parents reflects how she will respond to her husband.
# Grow in your own character so she will like you!	# Are you what this woman deserves and likes?!
We tend to go in the direction that we like. We will choose what we deep down are looking for. Unless we have changed our values to match with the Lord's, then we will be going after things that the Lord is not pleased with. Just think. If your mind wanders from woman to woman now, do you really think you are looking for a woman who is trained by God? No. The one that entices you will hold your attention. Use any pre-marriage time left to train yourself in self-control, obedience to parents and devotedness to serving others.

A Quick Word to Single Women

When the husband is committed to his wife with constant love, then she has no fear of abandonment. She grows from her anticipation in what next step of love the husband will show. The woman that is seeking a husband needs to think quite carefully about the man that she will in the future train herself to respond to.

She should ask, "How mature is he? How much does he care about God's ways? Does he lead a spiritual life? Does he respect his parents? Do I like his leadership?"

In Summary
We need to do everything to instill a great vision for passing on godliness to our children. Our sons must be trained in areas of self-control or they will not have control over lust. Otherwise they will fall in with the world. Positively, when a godly man and woman are matched up, it becomes a beautiful place where more godly people will come from. Our eyes must be shielded from all the 'beautiful' women around us. They are made to entice us to look at women through the 'fleshly' eye. We are all susceptible. We all must be careful. By God's grace we will stand strong and raise a new generation of godly men and women.