Posted by agysen in Blog on November 4th, 2010 | no responses
I keep seeing my friends fall. I wonder why they do it. What causes men and women to trash their marriages for a transient affair? Why would we give our strength to others and fill our old age with regret (Proverbs 5:9)?
Perhaps it’s naiveté. We think we’re invincible, like Samson. Samson was a fool, and so are we if we believe that we will never fall. Everyone is temptable; everyone has a price. The key is to know how vulnerable we are and always be on the alert. We’re overthrown because we’re unguarded (1 Corinthians 10:12). “What can we do?” we ask.
We can guard our relationship with God. As Proverbs 4:23 says,
Above all else, guard your heart,for it is the wellspring of life.
There’s a close relationship between human sexuality and human spirituality; the two are inextricably linked. As Charles Williams noted, “Sensuality and sanctity are so closely intertwined that our motives in some cases can hardly be separated until the tares are gathered out of the wheat by heavenly wit.”
Sexual passion is in some inexplicable way a small representation of our more profound, spiritual passion for God. He alone can gratify that desire. So devotion to Christ serves to satisfy our deepest longings and quell our other lusts. But when our love for Christ is on the wane, we get restless for something more, and our resolve in every area begins to weaken.
We can guard our minds against romantic and sexual fantasies. “Our predominant thoughts determine our inevitable actions,” as someone has said. What we think in our hearts is what we eventually do. Most moral failures aren’t blowouts (hardly anyone plans an adulterous affair) but are rather like slow leaks—the result of a thousand small indulgences, the immediate consequences of which are never apparent. The small sins thus prepare us for the Big One. As Alexander Pope remarked,
Vice is a monster of so frightful mien,As to be hated needs to be seen;Yet seen too often, familiar with her face,We first endure, then pity, then embrace.
“But,” you ask, “how can we deal with our erotic thoughts?” As Philip Melanchthon learned, “Old Adam is much too strong for young Philip!” I agree. Our fantasies are much too strong to subordinate. Better to rechannel or displace them. Erotic thoughts happen, but they can be controlled. As Luther said, “We cannot keep birds from flying over our heads, but we can keep them from nesting in our hair!” When sexual fantasies intrude into our minds, we have two choices: We can either reinforce them, in which case they will eventually become obsession; or we can sidetrack them into devotion, meditation, and prayer (seePhilippians 4:8).
We men can give ourselves to being one-woman men. That’s protection for both us and our spouses (see Proverbs 5:15–16). As the Wise Man counseled, we should “rejoice in the wife of [our] youth” and “be captivated by her love” (5:18–19). We can work hard at cultivating intimacy in our marriages—maintaining its romance, rekindling its love and passion. Men who get in trouble usually do so because they’ve let their marriages drift, permitting them to become dull and unfriendly. If that’s so, we must woo our wives again, recapture our first love.
All of us—men and women—can watch for infatuations. In his Introduction to the Devout Life, Saint Francis de Sales said, “We must be on guard against deception in friendships, especially when they are contracted between persons of different sexes, no matter what the pretext may be. Satan often tricks those [who] begin with virtuous love. If they are not very prudent, fond love will first be injected, next sensual love, and then carnal love . . . [Satan] does this subtly and tries to introduce impurity by insensible degrees.”
It’s not lust but infatuation that causes our fall. Do we think about one person frequently? Do we look for excuses to be with that individual? Do we look forward to appointments with that one? Do we dress a certain way for him or her? Most erotic relationships begin with that subtle attraction. If we find ourselves drawn to another, we must go no further, not lunch nor travel nor time alone. When required to meet for business, we can do so in the company of others.
We can guard against intimacy with anyone other than our spouses. The secrets of our hearts, our deepest hurts, are reserved for our mates alone. The greatest mistake we can make is to share our inner conflict and marital disappointment with someone of the opposite sex. No other event so radically shifts the nature of a relationship. We suddenly become a lonely person in need of another person’s love.
Occasionally a man will meet a woman who comes after him, as the proverb puts it, dressed for the kill and “with crafty intent” (7:10). And women are endangered by those sexual conquistadors who will tell them anything they want to hear in order to have what they want. We shouldn’t kid ourselves. It’s not because we’re so wonderful that they love us. Such people live to bring others down; they have something to prove to themselves, or they want to see how much we’ll forsake to have them. They’re almost certainly acting out some terrible, inner sickness or playing out some unresolved conflict with the opposite sex. The best course is to stay away from them! It will do us good now and then to ponder well Proverbs 5 and 7.
We can publicize our home life, talk lovingly of our mates, and surround ourselves with mementos and reminders of our marriages—pictures of our families together. It’s good for us, and it’s good for others. It lets them know we cherish our homes.
We can regularly rehearse the consequences of an affair by asking ourselves, “Is it worth throwing away my family and my reputation for this event?”
We gain insight through hindsight, as they say, but foresight is the least expensive way to learn. As Proverbs 5:3–5 warns, though,
the lips of an adulteress drip honey,and her speech is smoother than oil;[make no mistake] in the end she is bitter as gall,sharp as a double-edged sword.Her feet go down to death;her steps lead straight to the grave.
Adultery is suicidal; adulterers kill their own souls.
We can find someone who will hold us accountable—a nonjudgmental friend who loves us and who won’t flinch when we’re honest, who will query us with the tough questions and then ask, as Howard Hendricks suggests, “In your answers to any of the above, did you lie?”
And finally we can ask to be guarded by God every moment of the day. We’re never safe. We’re in danger whether young or old, single or married, in the dumps or on a roll. We’ll never be home free until we get Home! Until then, no matter how willing the spirit, the flesh is weak. Jesus warned, “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation” (Matthew 26:41).
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Taken from Seeing God, ©2006 by David Roper. Used by permission of Discovery House Publishers, Box 3566 Grand Rapids, MI 49501. All rights reserved.
1 comment:
Thatuk.
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